Why Smart People Struggle in Relationship Conflict

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Lauren Dry:

Hi, welcome to the Connection Podcast. I'm Lauren Dry, also known as the Connection Catalyst. Connection and this podcast for me is personal as a driven professional, I found myself an expert in all things work and business,

But it was at home, that I really needed clarity and ease after finally finding that one marriage breakdown and one marriage reset later.

And finally discovering what really works to have connection in modern relationships using science, simplicity, and soul.

Our signature program Rise Into Regulation was born, that's giving so many others in modern driven relationships, back clarity and ease for good. On the podcast today, we're going to dive deep together on all things, relationships, business, identity, and leadership. Clarity and ease is the heart of it all, and we are so happy to be with you so that you can have what you need in connection, mind, body, and soul too.

I am so happy to be with [: 00:01:00

That's the moment where you are standing in the middle of your relationship trying to talk about how you feel, and suddenly you hear yourself sounding like you are in a performance review.

You know, you're there in the kitchen, your heart is racing, and you feel on edge but the words coming out of your mouth sound like, oh, I just think that we need clearer expectations around our shared responsibilities, or it would really help if you could acknowledge the emotional labor that I'm putting in, or I'm not blaming you.

eally wanna say is something [: 00:02:00

But you won't say that because somewhere along the line you've learned that being polished is safer than being vulnerable and that clarity is more respectable than need. So if you present your pain professionally, maybe it won't be dismissed or worse, your pain won't be used against you.

That's not just a communication style, it's a trauma adaptation.

It's what happens when your system has been trained to stay one step ahead when you've spent years learning how to speak in a way that won't trigger someone else. When being understood became less important than being controlled enough not to get hurt. And I used to do this a lot in arguments and in conflict and in intimacy.

f the right words and I knew [: 00:03:00

And it's wild because when I finally learned how to drop into my body and how to pause long enough to actually feel what I was feeling, how to track the part of me that was bracing for rejection before the sentence even left my mouth, that's where things actually got simple. They became easier, simpler, and softer.

e there finally heard me and [: 00:04:00

It's not just how to say the thing, but to how to feel safe enough to say the real thing. Whether you are dating again after 15 years trying to rebuild with someone who seems like they have narcissistic traits, navigating emotional numbness, or just trying to find one small moment of calm in a stress filled life.

So today we're gonna do things a little bit differently. I have a few questions from some of the wonderful people I've been connecting with over on Instagram at Lauren_Dry.

So the first question, that has been put in for us to cover is how do you build a healthy relationship with a narcissist without losing yourself?

ncies? Now, I wanna touch on [: 00:05:00

It could feel like something that popped up in a friendship. It could feel like something that popped up, with a family member, a parent and it definitely can be something that feels like you are aware has been present in a relationship currently or even in the past. Narcissism is a powerful word and it's a very real experience to be on the receiving end of.

f doubting your own reality. [: 00:06:00

The challenge that we need to find though, and, why so many people come to us at rise, is that when you have been in a repeating pattern of being in a relationship with multiple people who perhaps have narcissistic tendencies, the most powerful thing that you can actually do is get curious about what it is in your own patterning that creates this repeated dynamic.

ery generous, someone who's, [: 00:07:00

It's a really healthy moment in time to just pause, focus on things like somatics and downregulating your nervous system and get curious about what the dynamics are. What are the patterns that maybe your nervous system has learned that find this dynamic so familiar.

that allowed them to feel a [: 00:08:00

So, there is, an unconscious desire to achieve or succeed in a relationship or in a conversation where other people maybe haven't been able to, so if you are able to, get love and care and attention from that one person that, you know, it seems unattainable or, challenging, that can validate to you something that, a wound that may have happened when you were much younger, where, an unconscious part of you decided or learned that, you were difficult to love or you were difficult to care for.

and when they work well, we [: 00:09:00

So in terms of how can you repair with someone who have these tendencies? I think the most important question that I would ask you first is, are you aware of the dynamic in the past and the patterning in the past that maybe has led to this being something that you feel like you need to work really, really hard at?

ious dynamic is feeding into [: 00:10:00

Okay, where that codependent, patterning that says, I can't be happy unless you're happy versus how can I downregulate my own self. So I find out what's important to me and can speak from a place of deep security, and regulation so that, the conversation that we're having actually has somewhere to go as opposed to a sense of achievement around, okay, we've finally come back on the same page, but do we wanna be on the same page?

I think that's the most important question. But when it comes to navigating and seeing how to repair with someone who has these tendencies is the most important step. Because If you just focus on repair of the relationship for the sake of repairing the relationship, you'll end up in this situation again. So what I would invite you to do is, is get a little bit uncomfortable in a healthy, way, do the work now around finding out, what is a healthy need?

making it work? And this is [: 00:11:00

The dance of feeling like you were talking about the dishes. But then in the next minute we're talking about, the theology on how dishes should be stacked, which is a dance that can happen in these kinds of dynamic relationships where you feel crazy, you feel like you're going round in circles when all you wanna do is talk about the dishes.

s in relationships. So it is [: 00:12:00

Okay.

The second question we had was what are the tips that I would give for dating again 15 years after being divorced? And girl, I take my hat off to you. I know that you've been through a lot. Not only have you been through a lot, but you've given back a lot. You've poured into your family, and you have so much to be proud of.

I would, in terms of what tips I would give you to how to in, around, how to get back into dating again. I would start first of all by building almost a values map. When you first start dating again, your body, hormones, they can really get in the mix, and your hidden patterning. So exactly what we were just mentioning around, why do codependents choose narcissists?

at I would concentrate on is [: 00:13:00

Sometimes when we have a desire that we're looking for in someone else, let's for example, use calm. If we're looking for calm tone in communication, but we're not often holding our own selves accountable for how we talk and not getting curious about how our statements land. And this can sound like if you find that often you're someone who says, I'm just being honest.

not pass go, do not collect [: 00:14:00

I have some similar podcast episodes where we dive really deep into values mapping. It's a pretty funny episode about I'm fighting with my husband over a gift card. So I would, start there first and make sure you have a clear picture, not of who the person looks like, not even of the things that they say, but how you're looking to feel, when you're with them.

recognises a familiar trauma [: 00:15:00

You may find yourself just in the same pattern again. I don't think that you will. It sounds like, if, you've taken this much time in between dating, you've probably done a little bit of work. But I would practice leaning into healthy discomfort. Okay how can I play with the difference between, a nervous system that's activated 'cause this is a trauma pattern that feels familiar with this person versus, oh, okay, this feels a little stretchy. Maybe I'm stretching myself outside of my comfort zone this feels risky, but it's a level of risk I'm willing to bear. Because we all deserve connection, we all deserve comfort.

iness in life is not what we [: 00:16:00

Third and and second to last question, when everything in life feels stress filled, how do you ever find a space to feel safe? Uh, yeah. For this one, I would refer you to my hypervigilance podcast just to try and figure out, what part of you feels safe in the chaos. And I know this sounds counterintuitive, but I tend to look for really powerful words in questions and I see in your question, when everything in life feels stress filled, what I'm identifying is that there is a real familiarity for your nervous system to gain a sense of, safety around this pattern of busyness.

en taken out of our control, [: 00:17:00

Now, having a stress filled season, I mean, I'm, I'm right there with you. You know, I understand what it means, to have life feel completely overwhelming and as though you know everything's outside of your control. We went through a season even so recently around how it felt like there just wasn't any quality time together.

We were juggling a ton of really, full on investments. My husband owns a business as well. We wanted to make sure that we were taking care of our kids and making sure that we were making the right decisions for them with their education, for their health and it just didn't seem like we had 10 seconds to breathe, you know.

a business owner, if you're [: 00:18:00

It's also a big responsibility but it does take conscious attention to make sure that it doesn't overwhelm you. And, if you've ever come across the smart system, I definitely recommend looking into that and just making sure that the levels of stress that you have in your life right now actually do have a plan, with the S-M-A-R-T all standing for something, but the most important one at the end, being time, T for time.

I was just having this discussion with my clients this morning. If you are finding yourself completely overwhelmed, and life is absolutely operating at its max. What is the timeframe that you're willing to accept this for? So operating at that level for my husband and I, we have specific deadlines and timeframes where we say, okay, this is a health check.

e it must change and it must [: 00:19:00

So if you don't have those kinds of deadlines and if you don't honor those kinds of deadlines, what you're doing is training your nervous system to sustain this level of stress. And there is nothing more dangerous to our health long-term than staying in a sustained level of stress if we can't switch down into parasympathetic.

So parasympathetic is rest and digest. It's the signal that turns onto our body that's safe to connect, safe to be physically intimate, safe, to be, happy. But also, if we switch off that parasympathetic nervous system, and we stay in fight flight form, freeze our survival state.

n I adapt? The second is our [: 00:20:00

So anything to do with digestion really gets affected. But the third thing that gets switched off is actually healing. If you feel like a tiger is chasing you, will your body really think that it's an appropriate time to be pausing and, healing? No. You're gonna be focused on all the adrenaline, all the cortisol, and things will start to physically break down.

So, how do you ever find time and space to heal? how do you find time and space to feel safe. we recognise that we only do get one life, and that there are a lot of things that are gonna be on your plate that feel like an emergency. And when you are in a state of fight or flight, everything will feel like an emergency, even if it's a kid's shoes on the floor.

catalog about what actually [: 00:21:00

Which, if you are used to being independent, used to doing things on your own, used to getting that kick of achievement from, being independent, that's gonna be really, really hard. But what I tell my clients don't feel like you have to reach for comfort and safety. Reach for healthy discomfort because one journey and one path way will take you to discomfort.

And that's scary and that's overwhelming and stress filled is what you said. So we've got a guarantee down that path. But the second path of doing nothing actually keeps you on the first path. so that's the lie that our nervous system tells us if we just freeze or fight, fight form and freeze, eventually we'll get off this path.

ou ever find a space to feel [: 00:22:00

even if it's the five minute window, even if it's a 24 hour window, gift yourself that because the time will pass anyway. And if you need any help, you need any support, that's exactly what I'm here for. I would love to go a bit deeper, come hang out with me on Instagram.

Last question.

Could you please talk about being emotionally numb and how this doesn't always equal falling out of love. I love this question. It was another one that I was talking about with one of my clients today. the question that she asked me was, how do you know the difference between your intuition and your protective behaviors, your protective parts?

and her challenge at the moment is things are really good in her relationship. They've come really far and they've, come back from the brink and it's something to be celebrated and something to be honored. but her body hasn't caught up yet. Her body hasn't caught up.

on edge. Does this mean that [: 00:23:00

is it a fight, fight form, freeze response Or is it my intuition and is this something I should follow? I always, always, always say I always ask the question, what is the greatest block to connection? Most importantly, the greatest block to connection for our own selves, and that is shame.

the very first thing that we [: 00:24:00

Especially for women. So if you haven't listened to my Ick episode yet, you should definitely jump on over and listen to that because what's required for women to feel, emotionally connected enough to have physical intimacy with their partner is safety. So if we don't feel safe, we will shut down and it won't feel, it'll feel like the love isn't there. The connection isn't there. The spark isn't there. but safety for women, emotional safety especially begins when we have shame, not making the decisions even in our own minds, even in our own bodies, we don't shame ourselves out of feeling disconnected.

n I would ask is, what's the [: 00:25:00

Because at least then you'll know, okay, this is how they behave when things are going south. You have predictability. You know how to navigate it. But the space in between can feel very dangerous, which is where that desire to almost antagonize a fight may come from. So if you are feeling emotionally numb, I would lean into it and find out what doesn't feel safe.

the wisdom of that emotional [: 00:26:00

Because you are right. It doesn't mean that you're falling out of love, but there is absolutely such a huge depth of wisdom in that response. And it's the wisdom is trying to discover and create new boundaries. Where can I rest when things do go wrong? Because if we start to trick ourselves into thinking things are gonna be fine, as long as nothing goes wrong, it's a long life, something's gonna go wrong.

That's the only guarantee that you have. Whether it's, really tough stuff like grief, someone passing away. confusions and debates over honesty and integrity. You know, is that a lie? did you break the boundaries of trust in our relationship? you know, on a big or a little scale, parenting, if you have kids, that's a lifetime journey of, challenging, what you know about yourselves and what you know about each other, and how to keep the most important people close to you safe.

ind of boundary it is trying [: 00:27:00

Before your unconscious mind creates the blow up, or, before you have to wait for the worst time possible to figure out, what it looks like when things go wrong in your relationship. Because they will and that's just what we sign up for. We don't sign up for perfection. We sign up for security though.

we sign up for clarity and ease and that's absolutely what you can get when you have predictability and that's what we all want, and play. And play happens when you feel safe enough to make jokes to, to fall in love again and to have that friendship and that intimacy back.

out anything about our RISE [: 00:28:00