What Happens After the Affair? Rebuilding Self Identity, Trust, and Connection

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[00:00:00] Lauren Dry: Hi, welcome to the Connection Podcast. I am Lauren Dry, also known as the Connection Catalyst. Connection and this podcast for me is personal. As a driven professional, I found myself an expert in all things work and business, but it was at home [00:00:15] that I really needed clarity and ease after finally finding it.

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[00:00:36] Lauren Dry: On the podcast today, we are going to dive deep together on all things, relationships, business identity and leadership. Clarity and ease is at the heart of it [00:00:45] all, and we are so happy to be with you so that you can have what you need in connection, mind, body, and soul too. I would like to welcome onto the podcast today, a wonderful guest.

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[00:01:04] Introducing Today's Topic: Infidelity

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[00:01:24] Lauren Dry: What is a little bit more of a taboo topic is infidelity when the [00:01:30] wife or the woman is the one who has maybe stepped out, maybe made a mistake, whether it's emotional infidelity or a actual infidelity. And so I wanna hold anyone who's listening today with so much [00:01:45] tenderness. This is a sensitive topic for both sides of the fence, as you would say.

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[00:02:22] Lauren Dry: Other surveys actually suggest though that it's more of a 23% general infidelity rate, across all relationship [00:02:30] types, including dating, long-term and married partnerships. And women are actually more likely to engage in emotional affairs while men tend towards more of the actual act of infidelity. In fact, one study found that [00:02:45] 57% of wives who admitted experiencing and being a part of infidelity reported strong emotional involvement without the act itself.

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[00:03:17] Lauren Dry: How does a person who has been involved in infidelity, walk forward into grace, into growth, and step away from that old story, whether that [00:03:30] means repair, whether that means working through what's happening and, moving forward together in their existing relationship. So we are holding space for such an important stretchy topic today, and we are going [00:03:45] to be discussing this with Kristina.

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[00:03:47] Lauren Dry: So Kristina is a coach and host of Intimacy After Infidelity, a top 2.5% globally ranked podcast. She works with women [00:04:00] navigating the aftermath of infidelity, guiding them to release shame, rebuild, trust in themselves, and reconnect with God in a deeply personal way. Her whole being, approach, mind, heart, soul, and body creates a path for real and lasting change.[00:04:15]

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[00:04:34] Lauren Dry: Thank you so much for being with us.

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[00:04:50] Lauren Dry: We are so happy to be with you here on the Connection Podcast, and I'd love to start off first of all by hearing a little bit more about your story, why this topic is so [00:05:00] important to you, and how you found yourself in this work.

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[00:05:08] Kristina's Personal Story of Infidelity

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[00:05:40] Kristina Robertson: I thought, well, I'm sure I could learn a little bit from that. But [00:05:45] what that did was further heap on the shame of, wow, I am the only woman on the face of the planet who has ever done something like this. so to backtrack, what was the, this thing that I [00:06:00] did? it all started, I would say, early on in marriage.

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[00:06:22] Kristina Robertson: Did not make time, did not have time for each other. And, to complicate matters, we had two [00:06:30] miscarriages back to back. And I was young and naive, and I did not know, I was not aware that even after a miscarriage, a woman could possibly, have issues with like postpartum depression. [00:06:45] And so again, hindsight is 2020, I could look back and say, oh, that's why I felt, out of character.

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[00:07:14] Kristina Robertson: and [00:07:15] then, yeah, on top of these things happening in my body that I couldn't explain either.

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[00:07:19] Kristina Robertson: I was working at a restaurant in my town. And, just through a series of events, it was like once a snowball started of [00:07:30] just receiving attention from guys. The snowball just kept going. there was no stopping that.

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[00:08:02] Kristina Robertson: Say, I'm done. This isn't right. This isn't line up with my values. this isn't actually who I am. but man, then you start talking about things like addictions and trauma bonding and all [00:08:15] of the patterns, that just came to the surface and kept me stuck in this relationship. so it was about a seven year period and then through a turn of events.

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[00:08:36] Lauren Dry: Yeah. That's a real journey. and it sounds like you've been through, all of the, emotions and all of the [00:08:45] range of experiences there in terms of what it means to self-soothe, to seek support, but not having a structure there to be able to, obtain the support you [00:09:00] needed that was going to be beneficial to you and, matched with the life that you were seeking.

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[00:09:33] Lauren Dry: What is your perception now after being through all of that, all of the ups and the downs, as to why that particular [00:09:45] choice, that particular choice to lean into, a relationship that was outside of your marriage. What was, happening for you there as to that being, the coping skill, the support system, that seemed on the [00:10:00] surface or at that time to be the choice that was available, the choice that, seemed to, be accessible to you throughout that period?

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[00:10:35] Kristina Robertson: And it really was we all cope, like you said, the coping mechanism. We all cope in different kinds of ways. And so, yeah, for me, I slowly learned the [00:10:45] vocabulary of feeling, feeling seen and truly known and even words like cherished and valued. it was interesting because I, I feel like my self-esteem was [00:11:00] always intact. Like I knew that I was a smart, capable, strong woman. you know, if somebody said, oh, do you feel unlovable? No, I, I know I'm lovable. Like I'm, I'm a good person. I'm confident in [00:11:15] myself. However, I was not receiving any of that back specifically from my partner at home.

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[00:11:48] Kristina Robertson: And there was just, there was a lot going on. And so I am a very good task manager. I can get stuff done. And what I didn't realize was that I [00:12:00] never had a safe space to just land and to just be. And so that's what this guy ended up providing for me, was just a space where I could go, take a deep breath. I didn't have to, [00:12:15] perform and do things I, I was not achieving, or, striving for him.

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[00:12:38] Kristina Robertson: now of course I can also look back and say, oh. There are some similar patterns growing up, [00:12:45] uh, you know, how is my relationship with my dad and things like that. So yes, very fascinating to find a thread and follow it all the way back. You know, it, it wasn't

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[00:12:56] Kristina Robertson: the marriage thing, but it's, go

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[00:13:20] Lauren Dry: when you first step into this work, there is a large expectation that by and large it's the man. it's not the woman. and in, in my line of work, in my experience, [00:13:30] that's not what I'm seeing. I'm seeing a very even split. And, something that I have noticed with these couples, with these people, these individuals who, are the person who has, let's say, stepped out of their [00:13:45] marriage, whether it's emotionally or physically, there's a pattern around, and I'd love to get your take on this, but for many of the people who have been involved in these situations.

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[00:14:37] Lauren Dry: Very, very good at, let's say. Creating, a story, [00:14:45] creating an image that makes other people comfortable and that they're very, very rewarded for. And yet there may have been a gap, whether, it's in childhood or, at another point in time. There [00:15:00] seems to be, and this is a common thread, not for everyone, but it's a very, very common thread around their not having been safety created internally yet, around the [00:15:15] ability to sit with discomfort.

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[00:15:41] Lauren Dry: And the ability to almost even look at the shame [00:15:45] is overwhelming. and the first block in order to navigate whether it's repair or self-repair, is so very often that ability to look at the mistake, or look at the guilt without [00:16:00] it being, interlinked and intermeshed with identity. So identity is shame.

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[00:16:36] Lauren Dry: And even two people with the best of intentions looking to repair their relationship, that thread of, distance, [00:16:45] resentment on both sides, tends to linger. So it's really, really important to, first off, before we focus on healing that is acknowledge that pattern underneath of discomfort and the inability and, the lack of [00:17:00] opportunity that so many have had to be able to learn how to sit in discomfort and seek healthy support. So I'd love to get your take on that.

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[00:17:28] Kristina Robertson: maybe they are in a [00:17:30] leadership position in their job, they run a business, they have people under them. And I found that fascinating when I started to observe that, and I think, there's multiple reasons, but one being that yes, they know how to get the job done and [00:17:45] they're so good at doing all of their things at work.

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[00:18:10] Kristina Robertson: But it drives the disconnect that's at home then. And, yeah, the [00:18:15] ability to sit with the discomfort and the shame and the identity, those are all questions that I had to sit with. now I mentioned that I was, I was working, I was having babies back to back, and then there did come a season [00:18:30] where I had my fourth,

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[00:19:07] The Turning Point: Seeking Support and Confession

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[00:19:17] Kristina Robertson: so then that, that night that I got home from that retreat was the night that I confessed to my husband, told him, Hey, had an affair. It's up to you, how we move forward, but I needed to let you know about [00:19:30] this. so in that next season, the three of my older children were going to school.

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[00:19:56] Kristina Robertson: and again, like I mentioned earlier, that reinforcement of [00:20:00] no, no Christian woman has ever done something like this. Okay, maybe even if they had a one night stand, they've never done something this bad that I've done. And so I really, I really did have to sit with that. Who [00:20:15] am I now? And, yeah, is it that I have done something wrong or is something really wrong with me?

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[00:20:44] Kristina Robertson: [00:20:45] now I can see where, where things went wrong and yeah, maybe I could have done X, Y, and Z differently. That's on me. I do take responsibility and yeah, now like, look at the mess that my husband and I are in [00:21:00] because of my choices. so it was very uncomfortable and I had to allow that space to be, it was about six or seven weeks of, I remember we'd put the kids to bed at night and then it was like, okay, [00:21:15] are we gonna have another heavy conversation tonight?

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[00:21:36] Kristina Robertson: but yeah, but dealing with the shame and the identity and rebuilding that from the ground up.

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[00:22:20] Kristina Robertson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So like I mentioned, up to that point, I had not told anybody, which is actually a shame because [00:22:30] I grew up in a church and I mean a, a really great church, great people.

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[00:22:48] Kristina Robertson: Like they, they wouldn't know how to hold this story or they're gonna tell me to do something that I don't want to do. I'm not ready for that. and when I use the word safe people, like even emotionally [00:23:00] safe that I feel like they could hold a really heavy story like that.

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[00:23:25] Kristina Robertson: This is gonna be my graduation present to myself. And as I got to [00:23:30] know these coaches and the guest speaker that they were bringing, I knew that if the opportunity presented itself, this would be a safe group of people to, to just, you know, get their input on hypothetically if I [00:23:45] have a situation going on.

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[00:24:04] Kristina Robertson: little did I know that I was actually the only paying client to be at that retreat. And so it was kind of like God had orchestrated that. That's how I [00:24:15] see it. God had orchestrated this whole thing for me to get me alone with these safe women. And, so the rest of the weekend, we held the schedule very loosely.

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[00:24:47] Kristina Robertson: You know, is he gonna call for divorce tomorrow? Is he gonna wanna separate, is he gonna wanna stay and try to repair? we have no idea how he's gonna respond. but we were all in agreement that it would be the right thing [00:25:00] to do to at least have the conversation with him and give him that chance.

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[00:25:24] Kristina Robertson: And, so I knew it was time to end things. I just needed the help to get there.[00:25:30]

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[00:25:30] Lauren Dry: And I think that there's something so powerful with what you just said there around not in alignment with who I am and what my values are. I think that we so often, if we've ever [00:25:45] made a mistake or ever struggling, no matter what the mistake is or what the struggle is, what we let go of first, what tends to be released first is our [00:26:00] vision of ourselves, our identity and our perception of who we believe that we are. because so often with anyone in this generation, the way that we were [00:26:15] raised through no judgment or criticism of the generation before us, by and large, again, there are patterns with every generation was if your behavior is good, you are a good person.

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[00:26:45] Lauren Dry: Discipline should be discipleship, not punishment. there's so many patterns there around what happens when we make a mistake and as that generation grew into adults, what can tend to happen is if that pattern is really, really [00:27:00] ingrained when a mistake is made, it feels like we have to let go of our identity. No one will look at me the same. No one will care for me the same. Only the other person who is as guilty as I am can support me from here on in, I [00:27:15] am alone.

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[00:27:36] Lauren Dry: So I think what's really, really important is to pause and do two things. First, acknowledge, the wound [00:27:45] that can happen around when we self abandon that decision or that mistake. I think there's a sliding scale. There's a sliding scale around what counts as infidelity according to not only your own morals and values [00:28:00] individually to what you decide on as a couple.

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[00:28:27] Lauren Dry: Not only what the mistake looks like [00:28:30] at the beginning, but how to navigate that and seek support so that shame and blocking seeking support is not, the very first, precursor to the avalanche and the ongoing, continuing [00:28:45] landslide of, okay, now I'm in too deep. This is where I am, this is what happens.

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[00:29:22] Lauren Dry: I have a curiosity there because on the surface, what it can look like to some people is seeking [00:29:30] comfort and the only version of comfort that's available to me at the risk of drowning, without this person who seems to be, or this coping skill, It seems to be the only person who gets me, or, coping mechanism [00:29:45] or coping skill that, is getting me through this impossible time.

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[00:30:14] Lauren Dry: So it seems [00:30:15] like a choice between self abandonment versus abandoning everyone else. And I'm curious as we navigate those murky waters, about your own experience. we've discussed these [00:30:30] absolutely heartbreaking and really, challenging personal moments in time that you deserved safety, love, care, attention, friendship, and that for whatever reason, didn't feel available to you at the [00:30:45] time.

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[00:31:09] Lauren Dry: I'm curious. With the knowledge that you have now and awareness that the awareness that you have [00:31:15] now, around how shame blocks us from more complex and nuanced problems solving, and creates this narrative in this story that it self abandonment, other abandonment. what [00:31:30] do you believe that this situation would have happened if you had felt like there would've been a more nuanced and complex way to seek support and, obtain that feeling of [00:31:45] validation, friendship, support, community, without finding yourself in the situation that you were in with this other person?

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[00:32:21] Kristina Robertson: And, I had just never given myself permission to grieve even that before. it was just always matter of fact of yeah, that's [00:32:30] my story. but no way am I shifting blame and saying, oh, it's because others didn't show up for me that I went this way. Not shifting blame at all, but just interesting to observe, to say, huh.

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[00:33:04] Kristina Robertson: And I remember talking with them and saying, it's so weird. I feel like I need something, but I don't know what I'm happy to ask someone for [00:33:15] help if I know what to ask for. and I felt crazy even saying that, but again, at that time, I just didn't have the vocabulary and I didn't have anyone, peeling back the curtain to come sit with me [00:33:30] in the trench.

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[00:33:51] Kristina Robertson: that's none of my business. I don't wanna pry, maybe they're just out swimming. And here I was like drowning, saying, somebody please help. But I don't know what to [00:34:00] ask for here. so could things have been different in the friend and community sense? Sure. Totally.

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[00:34:34] Kristina Robertson: man,this was the perfect guy. and so then it's really heartbreaking to walk away from that because it felt so perfect. There's another group of [00:34:45] women though, and this was the one I fell in to where we find ourselves with somebody that's totally opposite what we would ever want.

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[00:35:09] Kristina Robertson: To say, now I find myself in a relationship with a guy that I would've never been [00:35:15] in a relationship with this guy under normal circumstances. so that's interesting to process through. And then, on the flip side, what happens with other people, abandoning everyone else? I, approach this a little bit [00:35:30] differently than how I hear other relationship coaches talk about the work that they do.

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[00:35:55] Kristina Robertson: Like we talked about, the shame, the identity, sitting in the discomfort, all of those things. [00:36:00]

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[00:36:04] Kristina Robertson: Once she can do that, then she'll be in a much healthier state to navigate other relationships, whether it's her marriage or friendships or whatever. I refer to that as coming home to yourself and [00:36:15] coming home in all of the different ways physically, spiritually, if faith and religion is part of that, in your heart, your emotions, and also your mind.

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[00:36:43] Kristina Robertson: And yeah, so as we [00:36:45] seek healing for the whole self, the whole being. then we'll be able to be more present for the relationships in our lives as well.

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[00:36:54] Compassion for the Initiator of an Affair

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[00:37:28] Lauren Dry: Some hidden pattern [00:37:30] created a doorway for this coping tool, this coping skill to seem Okay. And we can, I think that something that has been [00:37:45] done and something that we are all familiar with is judgment. Yep. That's bad. So bad. It's all bad. Person is bad. Both the people who did the thing bad. And something that I have noticed is [00:38:00] how easy it is, how popular it is, and how pervasive it is to paint situations like this as black and white and, scratch out the problem and move on.

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[00:38:45] Lauren Dry: The deeper the shame, the more distant we are from solution, even if that solution is, acknowledgement and grace and, healthy holding [00:39:00] space for the reality of what has happened, even if that's just to listen to the other person's experience with enough room and patience to say, Hey, it's okay for you to have your reality around your grief and [00:39:15] your, your pain.

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[00:39:46] Lauren Dry: Because that internal shame, that version of their own reality, prevents them from being able to hold space and move on and prevent this from happening in the current relationship or in any other relationships and, prevent this from [00:40:00] happening. That by definition, I mean by dissociating from themselves, by seeking unhealthy coping skills or habits by stepping outside of their values, by hiding their feelings and, papering over the cracks.

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[00:40:40] Navigating Grief and Loss

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[00:41:03] Lauren Dry: The grief can come in many forms, and the challenge that we face today is that there's no safe language by and large. Look, if you look into it, if people have the [00:41:15] ability to go deep enough and sit with their own discomfort enough around what grief is, there are so many tools to be able to support someone who looks like they are grieving.

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[00:42:17] Lauren Dry: people who are navigating, infidelity. Without, almost getting enmeshed or getting caught or that stress and that anxiety about saying and doing the [00:42:30] wrong thing and making it worse. So I'm curious, from your perspective on the other side of the fence, someone who has experienced grief and the complexity of being in a really [00:42:45] complex, values minefield, for others cause it can bring up and I think that this is the fear for so many who have navigated grief in their own way, in their own lives, bumping up against people who are going through really hard things.

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[00:43:15] Lauren Dry: so often people say nothing at all. In your perspective, when you were deep in grief and deep in, the pain, or deep in even your own, navigating what the balance between Grace and shame looked like for you, what [00:43:30] would you have wished that someone had said to you or, in, in a way that allowed a little bit of that heaviness to be lifted.

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[00:44:06] Lauren Dry: and also realize that grace and, blame, they don't have to be opposite sides of the spectrum. They don't [00:44:15] have to go hand in hand. you can offer other people grace and, the ability to self-reflect without condoning or, becoming enmeshed with their own experience, particularly around grief and things like that as well.

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[00:44:31] Kristina Robertson: Yeah.

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[00:44:33] Kristina Robertson: I, as you're processing all of that, I am thinking of one particular friend that, I spent a lot of time with during those years, and [00:44:45] she is what I would call a safe friend. there was a long season where I was not ready to tell her what I was doing. And so during those years, so after I, I took a break from teaching after I'd had several [00:45:00] kids and I stayed home.

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[00:45:20] Kristina Robertson: And so it wasn't that she was in my business asking prying questions, anything like that, but it was just a long [00:45:30] season of having somebody interested in me and just asking curious questions, and then also having them in my home. And so she was able to reflect to me, just one example, if there were times [00:45:45] when maybe my husband didn't talk to me in the most respectful tone of voice, she was able to bring that up in conversation later and just very kindly, very graciously say, Hey, how did that make you feel when that situation happened?

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[00:46:26] Kristina Robertson: I didn't know that there were other options out [00:46:30] there. Until somebody else came into my home and into my life, and then just got curious about it.

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[00:46:45] Kristina Robertson: she was just living life with me. and for both of us, we were able to ask good questions to each other. And so then when, my story did come out that I was ready to share what had been happening behind the scenes all those [00:47:00] years, she, was able to say, I, I could read between the lines sometimes.

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[00:47:21] Kristina Robertson: it doesn't have to be having the right words and the right timing, and I have to do all this stuff. For me, it was more about just having a [00:47:30] presence and somebody being there that I knew anytime I needed her, I could send a text message and, just a presence, just somebody to be there. and like I said, to sit in the trenches with me.

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[00:47:51] Lauren Dry: Yeah, absolutely.

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[00:47:53] Lauren Dry: Something that we say so often in rise into regulation is the opposite of [00:48:00] disconnection, is not connection, it's curiosity. And when we unpack that, what that looks like is not trying to force things, not trying to, perform, not trying [00:48:15] to force anything. It's just creating a little room to get curious about the other person's reality.

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[00:48:47] Lauren Dry: We are creating permission. and this is in so many dynamics, particularly, interrelationships in a marriage. If I ask what the other person's reality is then that's taking away power from my own [00:49:00] reality, my own experience. And I think that there's so much to be said there that the more room we can create for the other person to self-reflect, the more, room that we can create for the other person to [00:49:15] consider, their own reality, their own situation.

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[00:49:25] Kristina Robertson: So when you have a safe place where somebody can land, [00:49:30] then there is the ability for problem solving to practically happen as opposed to performance.

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[00:50:04] Kristina Robertson: Yeah. She was just curious

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[00:50:07] Kristina Robertson: and just creating an open space to just let me be and I was able to walk out of it when I was ready.

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[00:50:18] Lauren Dry: Not that she ever approved or, I think that's a really important statement that you're making just there because, the old model of educating, is if somebody makes a mistake, it's [00:50:30] punishment. And what we all know in our own personal experiences is that when we have made a mistake, not only as adults, in our youth as well, that fear of punishment didn't prevent us from making the mistake, necessarily again, but it did prevent [00:50:45] us from seeking support.

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[00:51:29] Lauren Dry: About the [00:51:30] fear of judgment in your church community, with some of the people in the church community. And I think it's important that we pause and recognize that so many people do have a church wound. Whether it's perception of, the structure and the organization [00:51:45] itself, or the religious structure itself, whether it's even, a wound from their own community, the, the moral values of their own community.

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[00:52:33] Lauren Dry: There was a system that I followed and, I picked up my bible one day and, I told myself off and got along with it. whether it is through your, Faith community, [00:52:45] whether it's through your local community, your friendship community, please know that there are safe places that you can go and if there is a fear of judgment and if there is shame blocking you from seeking support, [00:53:00] know that there are absolutely, people, community places.

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[00:53:29] Lauren Dry: [00:53:30] Spirituality, whatever your relationship is with, something bigger than yourself, even if it is just a larger community. hold space for the fact that shame dies in the light and when shame [00:53:45] dies and you have the ability to experience holding space for that curiosity. That's where true growth, healing and embracing who you really are, your true identity, [00:54:00] not your enmeshment with your perception of your mistakes or, other people's perceptions of who you are.

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[00:54:22] Lauren Dry: How much room for discomfort, how much, how much curiosity and play and connection do we have with [00:54:30] our own relationship with between our internal parts?

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[00:54:32] Lauren Dry: so I would love to hear from you, what you found in terms of building a new community and building a new way of seeking support and moving forward into grace [00:54:45] and, true repair with your own self.

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[00:55:08] Kristina Robertson: Yeah, it started for me. it honestly, it started for me with my Bible and my [00:55:15] journal and going back to connecting with myself and really asking, who does Jesus say that I am? I said that, I asked that basic identity question of who am I? And so I was able to find that in [00:55:30] scripture.

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[00:55:55] Lauren Dry: Hmm.

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[00:56:16] Kristina Robertson: and so that was also, helpful to just be with some different people. so had some different friends at this time that I could talk with. And also I continued to pursue my own healing with, [00:56:30] some coaches. So like I mentioned, counseling and therapy was a piece of it and also I started to look into coaches who had different specialties, different focus, different ways of healing and working with women.

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[00:57:14] Kristina Robertson: they [00:57:15] don't listen to tons of podcasts and they're not gonna be searching for an infidelity one. And so even going public with my story through a podcast, through an Instagram page, it felt safe. And it felt like I was creating [00:57:30] community to say, Hey, I can get my story out to the world.

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[00:57:51] Kristina Robertson: Would you believe that just other women have come out of the woodwork and raised their hands and said, yeah, me too. I thought I was the only one. thank you for sharing your [00:58:00] story because I, didn't know that there were other people like me out there. And so while it is still a very private thing.

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[00:58:25] Kristina Robertson: but man, even if it's just that one-on-one connection to say if somebody else [00:58:30] can see me and hold my story and help me navigate next steps, man, like that's enough community for women to at least get started, uh, with, you know, what, what could be a conversation that could change their life.

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[00:58:49] Lauren Dry: I love that. I had a couple of last questions for you. one of them is something that I have been asked, but almost people don't want to ask because it feels a little, should [00:59:00] I ask that, So whenever I feel that I think, Ooh,if I'm thinking it, I know that there are gonna be others.

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[00:59:22] Lauren Dry: It's become your blessing. It's become your, You are calling to be able to support others to move out of those patterns. but how does your [00:59:30] husband feel, how do you navigate this and, yeah, what's the reality around that for you and he at the moment and how have you navigated that?

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[00:59:40] Kristina Robertson: Yeah, very good question. and it's actually not like a happily ever after [00:59:45] answer. so I knew, especially kinda when my 180 took place of, of confessing and really seriously beginning my healing journey. I knew enough that our journeys, our healing journeys were gonna [01:00:00] run in parallel.

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[01:00:24] Kristina Robertson: And that's what happened for us early on. We did, like a marriage [01:00:30] retreat and a class, we were in a book study and bible study. We did all of the things, for about six months. And then because I know him, I predicted that once that structure was removed, that he might not choose to [01:00:45] continue on his healing journey at the same pace that we had been going.

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[01:01:09] Kristina Robertson: And okay, I'm going to continue on this journey. And then if he chooses to keep reading [01:01:15] the books or listening to the podcast or going to counseling or whatever, that's a hundred percent on him.

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[01:01:27] Kristina Robertson: Does he wanna engage or not? so [01:01:30] fast forward even to today, yeah, we're in a really interesting spot right now of navigating, that separation of hey, you haven't been doing the work and I've really asked you to do that. And so now what do we do? And so [01:01:45] he might know, like he, so as an example of, of our disconnect all along, I'm not sure that he actually knows all the work that I do.

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[01:02:17] Kristina Robertson: so I, again, I had to stay true to myself no matter what was going on around me

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[01:02:57] Lauren Dry: It's a, as I said at the start, it's a [01:03:00] sticky subject. And,what I'd like to repeat as well is that shame dies in the light. And what you have shown us is that not only does shame die in the light, but sometimes the toughest moments in our life really are the [01:03:15] catalyst to moving into, bravery, authenticity, kindness, compassion, grace, most importantly in faith.

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[01:03:51] Lauren Dry: For them to have self-compassion, helps them to maybe see things a little bit differently in terms of the possibilities of where to go. and also [01:04:00] hold space for the importance of our relationship with ourself so that no matter what others do, or maybe the ways others haven't supported us, this is a beautiful moment in time to say there are spaces that you can go to, where that support is [01:04:15] there.

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[01:04:41] Lauren Dry: And the last question that was left by my last podcast [01:04:45] guest is what are the last one or two triggers that you can turn into deeper connection with yourself or others?

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[01:05:26] Kristina Robertson: and so the way that, yeah, that I've been able [01:05:30] to come back home to myself even in that of just how am I doing? how am I doing with, still continuing to live in my values of and I could go whole, go on a whole thing about this. but we talked earlier about [01:05:45] becoming aware so that we don't repeat the same patterns again and again and

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[01:05:49] Kristina Robertson: And, coming home to myself using that trigger in a way to like a flashlight. you use the trigger like a flashlight to look in and say, [01:06:00] what's the appeal there? Hey, this is an opportunity for me to connect with myself. How am I doing? Is there a part of me that's raising their hand and saying, Hey, we need something.

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[01:06:40] Kristina Robertson: No judgment at all. But that curiosity to say,what is this telling me? why was I [01:06:45] provoked by that? and yeah, just getting really curious and then looking inward. no shame, no judgment, but what can I learn from it?

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[01:07:02] Kristina Robertson: I, it's so funny not knowing who your next guest is gonna be. I'm thinking if they have any knowledge around this. Just what are some really practical [01:07:15] tools for your listeners as far as, like nervous system and grounding. And I know that,those are some of the kind of really big buzzwords these days.

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[01:07:36] Lauren Dry: That's beautiful. I love that. That's a really powerful question. and so what I also do is ask that question to you. What are some [01:07:45] really powerful, practical tools that you use for nervous system grounding in the moment to come home to yourself?

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[01:07:51] Lauren Dry: I.

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[01:08:10] Kristina Robertson: one thing that has also helped on my journey is, [01:08:15] spending at least, one minute or two minutes a day just in some silence and stillness. And so if that can be. I'm gonna be quiet and I am gonna close my eyes and just sit. and then for me personally, that also [01:08:30] means inviting, inviting Jesus into the space.

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[01:08:55] Kristina Robertson: It means just going outside and looking at the green trees in the blue [01:09:00] sky and getting outside. So yeah, so those are a couple of my favorites returning to my body and then taking a couple minutes to just take a deep breath and be.

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[01:09:25] Kristina Robertson: So the podcast that they can find is called Intimacy After [01:09:30] Infidelity. and then Instagram, I'm on there all the time, at Kristina Joy Coaching, Kristina with a K. And yes, I'm an open book, so if they have, additional questions or wanna share their story, I would love to be able to hold space for them as well.

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[01:09:50] Lauren Dry: Beautiful. We'll make sure we pop your links in the show notes. And thank you again, Kristina, for coming and joining us on the Connection Podcast.

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